Señor Grumblecakes (jervo) wrote,
Señor Grumblecakes
jervo

Bazooka Joe around the world



B A Z O O K A J O E C O M I C S F R O M
A R O U N D T H E W O R L D .

BY JOHN KEARNEY

- - - -

Finland.

(Bazooka Joe is stirring a pot on a stove).

Buddhist Monk: Hi, Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: Hundreds of things.

Buddhist Monk: What are they?

Bazooka Joe: Beans.

Buddhist Monk: Then it is one thing.

- - - -

Australia.

(Bazooka Joe is frantically wrapping duct tape around a fuel conduit).

Flight Surgeon: Hi, Cosmonaut Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: Stand back. We are rapidly losing pressure in the main catalyst valve.

Flight Surgeon: Oh, in that case I know what's for breakfast.

Bazooka Joe: What's that?

Flight Surgeon: Duct tape.

- - - -

Silicon Valley.

(Bazooka Joe is preparing the holy host).

Cardinal: Hi, Father Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: Two things.

Cardinal: What are they?

Bazooka Joe: The body and the blood of Christ.

Cardinal: Awww, we had that for breakfast last Sunday.

- - - -

Vatican City.

(Bazooka Joe is marching in a harvest-parade of 100,000 workers and peasants in spontaneous celebration of the visionary leadership of Kim Jong Il).

Cadre: Hi, Comrade Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: Two things.

Cadre: What are they?

Bazooka Joe: One of them is a heartfelt recital of the address our Dear Leader made last week to the 9th district union of tractor engineers.

Cadre: What's the second thing?

Bazooka Joe: A bean.

- - - -

Tibet.

(Bazooka Joe is watching movers carting off leased computer equipment from his vaulted-ceiling studio/office).

Venture capitalist: Hi, failed dot-com CEO Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: Nothing. Now that the e-business model has been revealed as a horrible delusion we can't even afford to buy a can of beans.

Venture capitalist: Oh, don't worry, you'll be seeing lots of beans in your next job.

Bazooka Joe: Why's that?

Venture capitalist: Because you'll be working at Starbucks.

- - - -

Mir Space Station.

(Bazooka Joe is sitting at a cafe signing a manifesto).

Situationalist: Hi, Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: The text of this comic, like all texts, has no meaning except in reference to itself.

Situationalist: Yes, but what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: Bubble gum?

- - - -

North Korea.

(Bazooka Joe is lying in the outback with X's over his eyes beside a talking dingo).

Bushwacker: Hiya, bloke, Bazooka Joe doesn't look so good. What did he have for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe's talking dingo: He had hundreds of things.

Bushwacker: What were they?

Bazooka Joe's talking dingo: Beers.

- - - -

Left bank, 1968.

(Bazooka Joe is sitting on an ice floe in the noon darkness beside a can of beans. He has the barrel of a gun in his mouth).

Pale acquaintance: Hi, Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast?

Bazooka Joe: Despair. There is no reason to go on living in this world of cruelty and eternal darkness.

Pale acquaintance: In that case, can I have your beans?
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