April 2nd, 2001

full life

my color quiz (http://www.colorquiz.com) results

Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that he may miss his share of experiences if he fails to make the best use of every opportunity. He therefore pursues his objectives with a fierce intensity and commits himself deeply and readily. Feels himself to be completely competent in any field in which he engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome

Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Feels that he is receiving less than his share and that there is no one on whom he can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions and a certain egocentricity make him quick to take offense, but he realizes that he has to make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective
Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.

Your Actual Problem
The fear that he might be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him to play his part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

Your Actual Problem #2
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of his own efforts
full life

(no subject)

that color quiz can bite me. i don't buy it. everything is vague enough that it could maybe possibly make sense. "he may miss his share of experiences if he fails to make the best use of every opportunity." well, duh. who doesn't that apply to? and i'll tell you right now, the part about "urgent and hectic intensity" is utter crap - my life right now is anything but. i'm suffering from a lack of motivation, not too much.

ah, yes, at last, the bitterness that i couldn't tap into yesterday. at some point the coherence will join in.
full life

(no subject)

Fieldbinder ruminates in presence of pathetic and sadistic psychologist Dr. J____ on the comparative merits of the word "fuck".

"We beg your pardon?" said Dr. J____, curling his harelip in incredulity.

Fieldbinder smiled cooly. "The word 'fuck,' Dr. J____. Has it never occurred to you that the word, far from being harsh or ugly, is in truth a strangely lovely word? An appropriate word? I'll not say onomatopoetic, bur rather lovely and appropriate. Perhaps even musical."

Dr. J____ wriggled his hideous body in his chair. Fieldbinder smiled cooly, continuing, "The word chosen to designate the act - the supreme act of a distinctively human life, the act in reference to the pleasure and meaning of which I naturally understand myself, being as you once remarked an almost exclusively sexual entity - the word chosen to designate the act must also be extremely important, no?"

"God, what a man he is," whispered the doctor, barely audibly, rolling his walleyes until the action hurt the styes which crusted his eyelids.

"No, really," smiled Fieldbinder. "Think of the sound, 'fuck.' 'Fuck'. A good sound. A solid sound. The sound of a heavy coin rattling in a thick porcelain cup. The sound of a drop of clear cold water falling into a still pond from a great height. Roll the word on your tongue for a while, Dr. J____."

There was a silence while the doctor rolled the word silently on his cold grey tongue. Across the ambiguously lit room, Fieldbinder obliterated a tiny wrinkle from his impeccable slacks.

"I can recall being a student in college," Fieldbinder ruminated after a time. "I can recall even then a deep satisfaction with the words used by my peers to designate the act. In college, women were locutionally reduced to earth, or impediment. 'Have you blasted her?' 'Drill her yet?' 'I pounded hell out of her last night.' None of these are right, Dr. J____, is this not transparently clear? None of these words are adequate to capture not only the reference but the sense of an act in which two distinct selves interpenetrate, not only physically, but also of course emotionally. I simply must say, as crass as we are conditioned by a troubled society to regard the word, I am a firm believer in the comparative merits of the word 'fuck.'" Fieldbinder looked up and smiled cooly. "Have I offended you?"

"No," hissed Dr. J____, playing manically with the controls of his mechanical chair, making it bounce up and down suggestively, as drool coated the doctor's pathetically weak chin.

----- David Foster Wallace, "The Broom of the System"