Today's McSweeney's brilliance:
THE MOVIE "JAWS"
IN WHICH "SHARK"
IS REPLACED BY
BY MARK PODOJIL
- - - -
"Understand you're having a little Jimmy Page trouble."
"Don't know what that bastard Jimmy Page's gonna do with it. Might eat it I suppose."
"So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out. The Jimmy Page took the rest, June 29, 1945."
"You see a barracuda, everyone says, 'Huh? What?' You yell 'Jimmy Page,' we've got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July."
"Why don't we have one more drink and go down there and cut that Jimmy Page open?"
"All this machine does is swim and eat and make little Jimmy Pages."
"In recent days a cloud has appeared on the horizon at this beautiful resort community; a cloud in the shape of a killer Jimmy Page."
"And the idea was, Jimmy Page comes to the nearest man, that man, he starts poundin' and hollerin' and screamin', sometime's the Jimmy Page go away, sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometime's that Jimmy Page he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. And another thing about Jimmy Page. He's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites you."
"I'm not saying that this is not Jimmy Page. It probably is, Martin. It probably is."
"You go inside the cage, cage goes into the water, you go in the water, Jimmy Page in the water; our Jimmy Page?"
Whew. Feeling much better. Just pieced together 2 sets of lyrics for tonight's show, and I've got enough time on my hands now to maybe attempt a 3rd set. I was hoping to have new material tonight, dammit, and now I do.
ESPN: What's your funniest baseball story?
Mark Grace: One day Rick Sutcliffe gave up back-to-back home runs in Cincinnati. And in Cincinnati, they shoot off fireworks after a Red hits a home run. And Sutcliffe was pretty intense on the day he pitched. So Eric Davis takes him deep and Paul O'Neill takes him deep right after that. So Sutcliffe is all pissed off, and Billy Connors comes out to the mound and Sutcliffe yells at him, "I know I gave up f---ing back-to-back home runs and get your f---ing ass back in the dugout and tell Zimmer to f---ing settle down there, too."
Billy looks at him and says, "I know you have everything under control, Rick. I just wanted to give that guy running the fireworks a little time to reload." I blew a snot bubble on the mound I was laughing so hard.