Yay, there's a new Sports Guy column.
- Ever since Jason Giambi joined the Yankees, how come it looks like somebody hypnotized him and forced him to swallow a bottle of Ecstacy pills? It's like his nipples are being constantly electroshocked. He looks like he's about to break into a Reggie Jackson impersonation from "Naked Gun" at any time. "I must kill ... the Queen ... I must kill ... the Queen ..."
- Hey, do you think Dirk Nowitzki is one of those annoying German guys who wears bad clothes and bad cologne and gets obnoxious when he's drinking? Like the kind of guy who puts quarters up to play pool, finally gets on the table, and then takes five minutes between shots because he's busy hitting on someone's girlfriend? One of those guys?
- How long before we see Snoop on MTV wearing a replica Jung Bong jersey? I have June 23 in the ESPN.com office pool.
- "Instigating a hockey altercation, then wussing out of the actual fight" should be a five-minute major.
- Don't you get the nagging feeling that there's at least one guy working in the Maxim magazine office who's 5-foot-8 and 130 pounds, with yellow teeth and an unpopped whitehead on his forehead, and he calls everyone "Dude," and he tapes the "Craig Kilborn Show" every night, and he says things like, "Dude, you missed it, I was wasted last night"?
- I just want to be there 20 years from now when the guy who paid $10,000 for Luis Gonzalez's gum is entertaining guests and says, "Come into the den, I want to show you Luis Gonzalez's chewed gum."