Señor Grumblecakes (jervo) wrote,
Señor Grumblecakes

From Doug Benson's movie review page on

I like CHARLIE’S ANGELS because two ladies (and Drew Barrymore) beat the living shit out of Crispin Glover.

I like DEEP BLUE SEA because immediately after Samuel L. Jackson gives a full-throttle delivery of the worst "when the tough get going" speech ever written, he gets eaten alive by a shark.

I like THE POSIEDON ADVENTURE because big boat go all upside-downy.

I like THE TOWERING INFERNO because O.J. Simpson saves a cat.

I like LOGAN’S RUN because it depicts a future where cute girls like to be naked and everyone gets to die when they hit 30.

I like JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING because everybody dies.

I like BOOGIE NIGHTS because it depicts a past where Heather Graham fucked dudes while wearing roller skates.

I like FIGHT CLUB because I enjoy watching Edward Norton hit himself in the face.

I like NATURAL BORN KILLERS (THE DIRECTOR’S CUT) because Ashley Judd gets stabbed to death.

I like RUSHMORE because only a fucking idiot wouldn’t like RUSHMORE.

I like WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOACOLATE FACTORY because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured.

I like SNATCH because... the title is reason enough, don’t you think? (SNATCH)

I like SHORT CUTS because Chris Penn gets to use an earthquake as an alibi after beating Jennifer Jason Leigh to death with a rock.

I like DAWN OF THE DEAD because you don’t normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.


I like SPIDER-MAN because of a certain T-shirt and a rain machine.

I like ROCKY because you just gotta root for that guy. He’s an underdog, you know.

I like CITIZEN KANE because I really look forward to seeing what all the fuss is about.

And I'd like to wrap this up by admitting that I’ve never been confronted on the street about my reviews. It was just a good hook for this article. Now, if you’ll excuse me, THE EXTRA-SPECIAL-FANCY-DELUXE-FUCK-ALL-OF-YOU-WHO-ALREADY-PURCHASED-THE-REGULAR-EDITION-EDITION of PEARL HARBOR is available on DVD and I have to run out to not buy it.

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