by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",
Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis
of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of
the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as
evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim il Sung.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . .
we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of
Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar
"An axis can't have more than three counties", explained Iraqi
President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In
World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So,
you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is so wickedly
International reaction to President Bush's Axis of Evil declaration
was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia
announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing
Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally
Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of
The Generally Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs
filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called
the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be
Asked to Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the
"Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some
Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain
established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick".
"That's not a threat, really, just something we would like to do",
said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most
axes,although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Counties
Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a
false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay
denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.