This week's Black List. Highlights:
FANCY WINE OPENERS: They're clunky, heavy, pretentious, and (get this) completely unnecessary. Every person who spent the $90 to have one of these Rabbit monstrosities deserves to get whacked in the nuts with a magnum of Thunderbird and have the Williams Sonoma catalog crammed in their ass. Unless you were born without thumbs or are suffering from a bizarre disease that forces you to wear mittens all the time, save yourself the $85 and use a fucking corkscrew. Yeah, it might not look as fancy and will probably take two (TWO!) seconds longer, but at least you'll have your dignity. Don't be a goddamned prick. Christ.
PEOPLE WHO USE UMBRELLAS WHEN IT'S SNOWING: You idiots. Don't you see it's not raining? Umbrellas look very stupid on a sunny day, but at least in New York City you can rationalize, somehow, that maybe this is some sort of engenue-Holly-Golightly nut who just needs the umbrella to go with her white gloves, or something. But with winter approaching, we're going to see oodles of idiots in the street, "protecting" themselves from snowflakes, which move about as fast as my grandma hitting on the bus driver. Put on a coat! A hat! It's not rain! Good lord, people.