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Selections from The Onion's "Keys to Drinking Responsibly During the Holidays":

Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.

If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.

Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.

Don't drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.

Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.