George Lucas recently gave an interview to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY to promote the release of the “directors cut” versions of the first three STAR WARS movies that just came out on DVD. What follows are actual real (true!) quotes from George, along with what I would say if he said that shit to me…
DOUG BENSON: Why the fuck did you have to go and add a bunch of useless crap to the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS: When STAR WARS came out, I said it didn’t turn out the way I wanted—it’s 25 percent of what I wanted it to be.
DOUG BENSON: 75 percent of the movie wasn’t there? Funny, it seemed pretty complete to me.
GL: So the choice came down to, do I please myself and [finally] make the movie I wanted, or do I allow the audience to see the half-finished version that they fell in love with?
DB: Half-finished? That’s only 50 percent.
GL: If you really look at it, there’s hardly any changes at all.
DB: First you say 75 percent, then 50 percent, then hardly any changes…are you retarded?
GL: The thing that really caused the trouble on STAR WARS is the whole question of whether Han Solo or Greedo shoots first.
DB: Yeah, Han Solo understandably shoots Greedo because Greedo is holding him at gunpoint.
GL: He didn’t shoot first.
DB: But he did. I saw it. At least 50 times.
GL: In my mind [Greedo] shot first or at the same time.
DB: Sounds like you really don’t know what your mind thinks.
GL: We like to think of [Han Solo] as a murderer because that’s hip...
DB: Yeah, murderers are awesome!!
GL: I mean, I don’t see how you can redeem somebody who kills people in cold blood.
DB: Greedo, the green ant-eater faced monster, is a person now? You’re so crazy, I wanna have your baby.
GL: Every other change is, you know, I wanted to have a good matte painting in here.
DB: So you’re saying STAR WARS is 75 percent matte paintings? I thought it was mostly characters and plot and shit. But then again, I’m not a filmmaking genius, I’m just an asshole comedian.
GL: Half of directing is great casting.
DB: You should really stop throwing around percentages.
GL: It really is. If you cast it right, you don’t have to do much work.
DB: That kid you hired to play young Anakin in PHANTOM MENACE was terrific.
GL: I said, well [PHANTOM MENACE] is not going to work because I’m making it about a ten-year-old boy, and nobody is going to want to see this.
DB: I certainly wish I didn’t.
GL: And then [ATTACK OF THE CLONES] is a love story.
DB: No wonder I didn’t like it. Love is stupid.
GL: It’s not a hip, happening romantic comedy with the Olsen twins.
DB: Um, I know you’ve been busy making horrible movies, but there’s no such thing as a hip, happening romantic comedy with the Olsen twins.
GL: So at least Darth Vader is in [EPISODE III]. Only for two minutes, but he’s in it. If you take them all together it’s a fascinating saga.
DB: Oh, I get it, if I see EPISODE III next May it will magically make EPISODES I and II not suck. I’m gonna go get in line right now!