full life

you got me floating

1. I am floating today, sorta; I don't have to leave my desk, but I have to available to work on documents for a lawyer who is 4 floors below me. This blows, but he hasn't had anything for me since this morning, so, whatever.

2. Usually I prefer to go after work, so that I don't have to over-extend my lunch hour, but I wasn't able to schedule anything, so... anyway, today's session was pretty fucking heavy. I felt myself starting to cry, actually, while I was in the middle of this big stream-of-consciousness riff about what's been going on - I guess I've been pretty wound up. The ultimate "breakthrough" is that right now I'm not as much anxious as I am somewhat depressed. Which I guess I sorta knew, but didn't really know what to do with that information. I'm not necessarily going to get into that here - mostly because it took me a while to build up enough steam to get there earlier today, and I don't want to go to that place while I'm still at work - other than to mention that it turns out that I am a bit depressed these days, and I'm not totally sure I know how to articulate why - even back when I was in that moment, I couldn't really explain it. I'll be going back in 2 weeks. It feels good to know that I'm being proactive about this. That's really the thing that's been upsetting me, in general - I get such a rush when I'm proactive about anything - music, personal health, arranging a social event, etc. - but I'm usually incredibly reluctant to be proactive in the first place.

3. Last night was slimbiscuit's birthday, and we all celebrated by going down to Dekk and having a private screening of Ghostbusters. A few notes: Dekk is WAAAAAYYY too yuppie-ish a place for me, I thought I was going to get thrown out for not being hip/rich/good looking enough; BUT, their whole angle is that they have movies showing nonstop and they have a private screening room for parties, etc. So once the doors were closed and the curtains drawn, and our delicious food brought out, we had ourselves a fucking blast. Ghostbusters = funniest movie of the 1980s? Now there's a top-10-list meme we can all spend the rest of our afternoon working on. (Tootsie, Airplane, Naked Gun all leap to mind. This is all off the very top of my head.)

4. Oh, yeah, I knew I forgot something. I bought a new, replacement 60gig iPod yesterday, before we headed downtown. (Normally I wouldn't forget a thing like that, but that's the state of where my mind has been lately.) Got it up and running last night before we went to sleep, and now, 23gigs later, it's rocking. Looking forward to longer battery life and more storage space. I could care less about the photo functionality, but it's standard, so, blah. I borrowed a bunch of CDs from Mike the other day (Flaming Lips "Clouds...", "...Jesus Egg" and "Transmissions...", Funkadelic "MaggotBrain", Weezer "Pinkerton") and now I can listen to them.
  • Current Music: Weezer, "El Scorcho"
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big hugs
I just wanted to drop a note to say GOOD FOR YOU!

I can absolutely relate to your thoughts on being proactive. I seem to have this little voice in my head everytime I feel like DOING stuff that tells me, "You can't actually DO that," and when I ignore it and really DO stuff, I feel so incredibly alive and strong - it's weird - not to get vicarious therapy through you or anything, but I think that it is a result of my mother chipping away at my autonomy bit by bit as an adolescent and young adult - I was eventually made to feel I was incapable of doing almost anything by the time I was 17. It sucked. I know none of her bullshit was true - but it's hard to let go of old self-talk and get some new self-talk going on in my own brain. Maybe that is a bunch of hooey - but I just wanted to say good for you and I wish you well in your therapy sessions.

xoxo

Lara
And that is why champagne is good. I was completely oblivious to all the other people in the place but our friends. I had such an awesome night. Thank you!