Señor Grumblecakes (jervo) wrote,
Señor Grumblecakes

not-quite-last minute jitters

Tummy = rumbly. I ate the most taste-less tuna sandwich I've ever eaten for lunch, and so now I'm uneasy about my stomach.

I'm also got my standard pre-perfomance jitters, but what's interesting to me is that I think they (the jitters) are mostly because my entire fucking family is going to be there. I'm not sure why that bothers me so much. My parents are in denial about my mid-college decision to quit acting and pursue music (even though they're both musicians), and combined they've seen me maybe 5 times in a "rock" format over the last 8 years.

That really doesn't bother me, though; I mean, honestly, my parents are hard-core classical musicians and don't really care about rock and roll. I've played shows that I've specifically asked them NOT to see. I guess that's my denial, that I don't want them to see me playing "inferior" music.* Or something. I suppose there's some issues with approval at work, here. After all, I've hyped this show to them as my first real step towards actualizing my creative vision, and if they don't like it, well, they're not going to take it seriously, and if they're not going to take it seriously, I suppose I'll start getting the "You know, you should probably think about getting a real job" conversation, which - the more I think about it - scares me more than anything else. I guess that's the key issue here. I don't really care if anybody else likes it or not, but I really need them to like it, so they'll continue to not yell at me for "wasting my life with this rock and roll foolishness"**.

Anyway, they're coming, and there's nothing I can do about it except to take some antacids and to make sure that my equipment works.

* And so of course I've spent most of today wishing that my songs were more complex; however, due to my technological limitations, I made a deliberate decision to work in a quasi-repetitive format, so that I could create tension with dynamics and textures as opposed to chord progressions. This is all just last-minute second-guessing, and it's par for the course... but in light of the whole parents-in-attendance thing, especially since getting them in the same room is a monumental task, it seems to carry a certain resonance.

** Believe it or not, that's an actual quote from my grandmother.

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