Señor Grumblecakes (jervo) wrote,
Señor Grumblecakes

too much.

Calling all Red Sox fans

Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of The New York Yankees Fan Club. Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan conversion revisitations for Boston Red Sox fans. Conversion requests for other teams will be accepted once all former Red Sox fan requests have been processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based on the current number of requests.

Please take a few minutes and complete the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from your previous fan experience.

1. Please indicate the last time you watched the Red Sox win the World Series:

- 1918 (Please leave your form in the main office of your nursing home for mailing).

- I have never witnessed this event

2. Please indicate your favorite moments in Red Sox history. (Check all that apply)

- Babe Ruth sold to the Yankees

- Pesky holds ball as the Yankees score the winning run in 1948

- Bob Gibson shuts down the Sox in the 1967 series

- Sox trade Sparky Lyle to the Yankees for Danny Cater

- Big Red Machine beats the Sox in Game 7 of the 1975 series

- Sox lose 14� game lead to the Yankees in 1978

- The "Boston Massacre" in 1978 (four-game sweep by the Yanks in Fenway in September)

- Bucky Dent's homer in the 1978 playoff game

- Bob Stanley throws wild pitch in Game 6 of the 1986 series

- Grounder goes through Buckner's legs in Game 6 of the 1986 series

- Future Hall of Famer Wade Boggs rides policeman's horse after the Yanks win the 1996 series

- Future Hall-of-Famer Roger Clemens traded to the Yankees

- Yanks wipe out Sox in five games in the 1999 ACLS

- Roger Clemens wins Game 4 for the Yankees to clinch the 1999 World Series

3. Reasons you believe the Red Sox have NOT won a World Series since 1918:

- The Curse of The Bambino

- Lack of Pitching

- The Curse of The Bambino

- Lack of Hitting

- The Curse of The Bambino

- Lack of Defense

- The Curse of The Bambino

- Bad calls by the umps

- The Curse of The Bambino

4. Have you experienced any of the following symptoms after another inevitable Red Sox collapse?

- Headache

- Uncontrollable anger

- Heartache

- Holes punched in doors/windows

- Nausea

- Smashed TV screens

- Depression

- Avoided Yankee fans for three or more days

5. October is your favorite month of the year:

- Yes
- No

6. Are you tired of saying, "Wait Until Next Year"?

- Yes
- No

7. Are you ready to admit that:

a. Joe DiMaggio was better than Ted Williams:

- Yes
- No

b. Thurman Munson was better than Carlton Fisk:

- Yes
- No

c. Derek Jeter is better than Nomar Garciapara:

- Yes
- No

d. Don Zimmer is a managerial genius:

- Yes
- No

e. The Red Sox will be no better this century than last:

- Yes
- No

f. The "Green Monster" is ugly and stupid:

- Yes
- No

Once you have completed this form, please forward it to Yankee Stadium. Then burn all of your remaining Red Sox clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders. After reviewing your request, the Yankee Fan Club will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

If accepted, you will receive:

- A recommended recuperation program, including a recording of Frank Sinatra singing "New York, New York"

- An opportunity to obtain tickets to the 2002 World Series at Yankee Stadium

- An "I've Come to my Senses" Yankee T-shirt

- Chuck Knoblaugh's new video, "Illusions: How to Almost Catch Balls and Tag Runners"

- Posters of Boggs and Clemens in Yankee uniforms, complete with their championship rings

- A dart board sporting a picture of Yaz

- A copy of our ever popular handbook, "Harassing Red Sox Fans For Fun and Profit"

- A coupon for a future poster of Pedro Martinez in a Yankee uniform

- A one-year subscription to a weekly support group for ex-Red Sox fans in your area

If Rejected, you will receive:

- Our pity and condolences, plus a 25-second video capturing the past 100 years of Red Sox highlights in head-to-head competition against the Yankees.

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